Eleven days to go. That certainly snuck up on us.

I use “us” instead of “me” because I’m… never mind. No-one needs to know the depth and detail of my mental short comings…

‘Played a solo warm-up gig some three days ago. Went both well enough and badly enough that I am as concerned as I need to be about the 31st.

My camera is now a regular, albeit unwelcome, guest every and where ever I happen to be at the time (and some places I’m not.) I’d show you a photograph or video now but I’m in bed, far too tired, far too mentally unsettled and probably have to work today. ‘Tis 4am, should be bedways. Never really cared for Nadsat or A Clockwork Orange and can’t recall where I found a print copy to thumb through this week but apparently I did. Briefly. Hence the reference. (Apparently Lewis’ style of prose is rubbing off a little also…)

I have recently discovered that Rohan is the only person who reads this. It’s a tad redundant as he is effectively half of the Trio (yes, I am aware of the irony but we don’t have a third permanent member though I must say, Caleb is doing a wonderful job in the interim.) Thus, the professionalism and promotionalism falls away just a little bit and I feel a little more comfortable in voicing the following, which is an abridged version of what I’ve been thinking all night:

The only thing worse than when I am completely alone is when I feel, shall we say “connected” to another individual. I make myself so completely, consistantly and readily avaliable for such a period of time, even the most resistant individuals find themselves taking advantage and ultimately using me until all that remains is a husk of my former self (which is in turn a husk of the person I was before that, which is yet again a husk of the person before that… ad infinitum.)

And I can’t blame anyone but myself, whom I can’t stop because I am, unfortunately, unstoppable.

For better and worse.